It’s almost 1 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Tomorrow I am supposed to be getting on a plane for an all expense paid trip to New York city. I’ve always thought it would be so cool to visit NY at Christmas time. To see the decorated shop windows. Skate beneath the lighted tree in Rockefeller Center. And maybe catch a Broadway show.
Last week we found out there was an error made in Jeremy’s office and they scheduled one of our most important annual functions for tomorrow. We debated cancelling or possibly rescheduling the trip, but eventually decided that I would still fly up there with my in-laws in the morning, and Jeremy would hop on another plane and be in the city by 5:00.
Then yesterday I was made aware that his flight is not leaving Atlanta until 6:45 and he will not be joining me until well past 8 o’clock. So not only will he miss all the sight seeing on Friday during the daytime, but he will also miss The Phantom of the Opera Friday night.
Earlier tonight I tried to tell him how I felt about all of this and I guess it came out all wrong. While I tried to express sadness regarding the whole situation, he heard me say that I was not happy with him. He heard me say that I don’t realize the importance of his being at the scheduled subcontractor function and questioned my appreciation towards those who are dedicated to providing services to us. He heard me say that I am inflexible and unwilling to sacrifice my desires for the good of everybody that is involved.
But in all honesty, my feelings weren’t that deep. I was just sad. And if I were given a second chance to communicate this to him, this is what I would say:
“Honey, I love you and I am so sorry that you are not able to come with us on Friday morning. I am so scared to be riding on your Dad’s plane by myself. Who will hold my hand and pray with me before we take off? It’s always you that I look to when I’m nervous in flight, but you won’t be there. I don’t really want to go alone. Yes, your family will be there. But it’s not the same as the person I trust the most being there with me. I will only feel safe riding with you. And when we land in New York and I start seeing all the sights, they will only be half as wonderful as if you were there with me. I understand why you have to stay. Please understand why it hurts so bad that you can’t come with me.”
(insert a hug and kiss here)
I read something yesterday that talked about having a joyful Christmas even when our expectations are not met. I am really trying to use the same logic in this situation, but for me, this trip is just something I want to share with Jeremy. Considering the fact that he won’t be there for half of it, I am having a hard time looking forward to going.
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