Today has been a bad day. I am under attack for some reason and I’m not doing a very good job of fighting off the enemy. I felt it coming on this weekend. Just everybody in this house getting on my last nerves. The kids are not listening to a single word I am saying, and it’s as if they aren’t even trying. If they respond to my voice at all, it’s with blank stares, like I am speaking Russian or something! And Jeremy. What can I say? I prayed for 7 years that his priorities would change and he would have a desire to be home with his family instead of work, work, work. Well, now he’s home and wanting to spend time with us, and I’m pulling away from him thinking, “Ugh, I need a break from all this family time!!!”
Geez, I am a hard woman to please!
But seriously, I have been trying to figure out all day why I get so touchy? Why I am so easily angered? Why is it one morning I wake up and feel like I suddenly have to make a 3 page list of all the stuff that needs to be done and it needs to be done RIGHT NOW! I feel like I’m a slacker because I keep telling myself that “I’ll spend more time with the kids as soon as I get caught up”, but I never get caught up. How will I ever be able to homeschool next year if I can’t get a grip on my day now? I am sitting here writing this and thinking to myself that I am certifiably wacko, but that doesn’t help the tremendous overwhelming burden I can actually feel taking over.
I wish I could find the root of it all. Our Pastor had an awesome sermon yesterday about thankfulness and I’m very thankful that my friend Amy blogged about it here so I didn’t have to try to condense it myself. (She did a very good job and I recommend clicking over there and reading it.) So with that fresh in my mind, I wonder if it’s a thankful heart I am lacking.
I should be thankful that I have a husband who cares about where I am going and when I’ll be home, instead of aggitated that he has to know the in’s and out’s of my entire day. I should be thankful my kids have a desire to play together even though they can’t make it 5 minutes without getting into an argument! I should be thankful my father in law thinks I take great pictures and wants to share them with the family by my putting them into an album for him, rather than feeling pressured that it’s just one more person needing something from me with a deadline.
Right now this thankfulness feels so forced. I wish it came natural. All the time. Even during PMS. Even when the kids don’t know the time changed and it’s not time for breakfast at 5:10 am. And even when I know that I have been a tremendous beyotch today and need to apologize to everybody that came within 5 feet of me. I am thankful that I have a family that will forgive me. Again. And love me…despite the difficulty of that task.
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