Do you ever feel like someone else is better qualified to raise your kids? No? Just me? I knew it.
This weekend my same old stumbling block raised its ugly head. I could say I was tired. I could say I didn’t feel well. I could blame my wacky hormones. I would not be lying. But I choose to take full responsibility for my weaknesses.
I don’t know what initially got me so fired up. But I do know all patience was gone and my temper came out flaring. And what’s so crazy is that in the moment I can see what’s happening. Did my children need discipline? Yes. Was raising my voice bringing them into obedience? No. So why do I get louder and louder and louder. Why do I turn into a screaming banchee, as if that will gain the respect I need to get my kids back within their boundaries?
I read last week in Luke 17:2 “It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin”. Ugh! Hey Luke, why don’t you just grab a cereal spoon and dig my heart out. Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing when I overreact like that? Causing my kids to sin. It’s no wonder I overhead Savannah rebuking Emery last night, right in his face, full of sarcasm and without mercy. I am a horrible example!
What right do I have to correct her?
This morning I had to get gut honest with God. I told Him I didn’t even feel like I could apologize for what happened anymore. I mean, how many times can I say “I’m sorry” for the same thing? How sorry could I possibly be if I let it happen yet again?
Let’s put it this way. What if Jeremy has an affair? He comes to me and begs for my forgiveness. I know he’s truly sorry so I forgive him and we work through it. Six months later, same thing. Then it happens again and again. Eventually I would be like, um, hello? I’m not so sure you are truly sorry.
That’s the way I feel about asking for God’s forgiveness on this issue. He’s probably so tired of hearing it. Even though I believe He can and will have mercy on me, I don’t think I should even ask anymore. I’m ready to just give up and give in.
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