Well, here is the definition they offer on their website: “Right now, around the world, millions of Christ followers are meeting in secret places, worshipping in hiding, practicing their faith behind closed doors. If exposed, they face prison, torture, even death. Yet their devotion to God and His Word are unwavering, even heroic. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ. We must learn to take our God as seriously as they do.”

Friday night I got to participate in Secret Church via simulcast. For six and a half hours I listed to David Platt (author of the book Radical, which I loved and wrote a little bit about here). And even though he didn’t finish until 1:45 am (yes, I said A.M.) and my head was literally starting to hurt (needing sleep or full of information, I’m not sure), I could have listened to him for another six!

What is it about listening to someone full of the holy spirit teach Biblical truths in love? It was amazing. The topic for the night was “Marriage, Family, Sex and the Gospel”. The whole point was how these 3 everyday things (marriage, family and sex) can be used to further the Gospel of Christ. I had never really thought about it before. When I think of fulfilling the great commission in Matthew 28 to go and make disciples of all the nations and share with them the gospel, I think of it in literal terms. As if the only ones obeying this command are the missionaries. The ones in foreign countries, learning new languages, casting out demons and helping the desolate.

But we have responsibilities within our own family to live according to the gospel. “The Gospel is the good news that the just and gracious God of the universe has looked upon hopelessly sinful people and sent His Son, Jesus Christ, God in the flesh to bear His wrath against sin on the cross and to show His power over to sin in the resurrection so that all who have faith in Him will be reconciled to God forever”. (Platt)

So let’s change our thinking. Remember that in ALL things we do, we can point those around us to a loving and merciful heavenly Father. By our actions, attitudes and choices in everyday things. How will you live your life today? Live it to the glory of God.

At times, the darkness can be crippling. Hope is lost. Despair sets in. Then, just as quickly, faith grips your heart and God’s promises to those who persevere motivates you to keep going strong. Find a way out. Or at the very least, hold your head high as you navigate through the badlands.

As I make my way out of the wilderness that has held me captive for nearly 3 years, I look for answers. Here’s why:

Remember the story about how God saved the Israelites from 400 years of slavery in Egypt and then kept them in the wilderness for 40 years on the way to the Promised Land? Gosh, that’s a really long time! The land of milk and honey must have been a really, REALLY long way away! But look at this…

See the beginning dot in Egypt and the ending dot in Canaan? Now notice the route God sent them on, compared to their journey had they just followed along the Mediterranean Sea. Talk about going the long way. Why would God do that?

There are a couple of reasons, one being that the Plain of Phillistia was inhabited by the Phillistines who were well known for their vast army and brutal fighting abilities. Not exactly something a bunch of unarmed, skinny laborers could ward off.

I wonder how many times God leads us through the wilderness to protect us from something far worse? We don’t know about the impending danger. We don’t thank Him for His protection. We only complain about being in the wilderness.

Secondly, God needed to teach them a few things. Over the course of 40 years He performed many miracles involving food, water and nature itself. The Israelites could not deny His power in their life or the love of His people.

The last time you were in the wilderness, did you notice how much God loved you? Did you thank Him for the small ways He was taking care of you? Or did the darkness consume you in such a way that you missed it?

And thirdly, God wanted to draw them close to Himself. He wanted to take them to a place where they were totally dependent on Him, so they would talk to Him and worship Him and love Him. And isn’t that what He wants from all of us?

So as I come into the light, I seek to find out why God put me there. What did He want me to learn from my experience? How can I use it to best serve Him? The past few years were rough on my family, and I can think of no bigger waste of time, than if I was to just move on with life, not growing and maturing though the process.

Thanks be to God!

(photo above courtesy of “One in a Million” by Priscilla Shirer)

Basically what you do is this: log in to her Living Proof website on the 1st and 15th of each month and in the comment section leave your name, city and the Bible verse you are memorizing. By the end of the year, you should have 24 new verses committed to memory. In the meantime, some incredibly organized individual in her office is keeping track of how many times you log in and at the end of the year, if you’ve met the requirement, you can go to a big Siestaville Memory Party out in Houston at no cost. Free, my friend. Well, except the cost to get there, which for me includes more than just travel expenses since the price for me to fly is emotionally high. (((shiver)))

So even though I haven’t blogged about it here, I have logged in all 4 times at Beth’s site and am well on my way to learning more scripture. The first verse I was going to do was James 5:16. (I just love the book of James, don’t you? That guy doesn’t sugar coat anything!) But then I thought it might be good to memorize the 3 verses that lead up to it. I ended up breaking it down and learned one verse every other week, which lead me up to verse 16 by Feb 15th.

Wow…that sound more confusing than it actually is!

Anyways, here what I’ve memorized so far~ James 5:13-16 “Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is anyone sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayers offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

Amen to that!

Here it is from The Message translation, “This is the assigned moment for him to move into the center, while I slip off to the sidelines.”

Amplified anyone? “He must increase, but I must decrease. [He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so.]”

Any way you say it, the bottom line is that there needs to be more of Him in my life and less of my selfish self! So here’s to a great New Year everyone!!! CHEERS!!!!

It felt so good to be back home. I can’t even begin to describe it. After all the festivities that Christmas Day brings, all 4 of us were snuggled up watching movies on the couch that night.

I don’t know what made me look, but for some reason I glanced over to the front door. It was already dark and the porch lights were on. I could see snow falling!!!

Huge, fluffy snowflakes were coming down in Georgia?!?!? This might not seem strange to much of the country, but I heard that the last time snow fell on Atlanta at Christmastime was in 1882.

The kids were excited and wanted to go outside, but anything I could have used to bundle them up with was buried in a box somewhere. They were content to watch it fall.

However, I felt the need to be in it. Using Stafford as an excuse, I slipped on my tennis shoes, grabbed my coat and camera, and went to “walk the dog”.

I was profoundly affected by the snow falling against the backdrop of my newly restored home. As I snapped a few pictures, these lyrics kept going ’round and ’round in my head: “Jesus paid it all….All to Him I owe…Sin had left a crimson stain…He washed it white as snow”.

Through the tears I began to thank Him. I thanked Him for the reminder. Thanked Him for new beginnings. And thanked Him for the birth of His Son, which makes all things white as snow.

Imagine for a moment, almost 14,000 women being taught by 3 of the best female Bible teachers of our time. It will take me months to process what I learned in a short day and a half. But here are a few of my favorites that I took from the weekend.

Friday night, Kay Arthur filled us with the book of Matthew. She taught about Christ. Who is He? What is the cost of the cross? How do we weigh the gains against the losses in following Him? She said “Jesus is not someone or something that you add to your life. Like salt. True repentance is having a complete change of mind about the Kingdom of God, then Jesus BECOMES your life.”

I can relate to this. Too frequently I look and find that Jesus is just seasoning my life. Sometimes He’s the sugar in my lemonade and other times He’s the sprinkles on my 2 layer chocolate cake. Either way, He’s simply added to whatever else is going on. I need to make sure He’s my WHOLE life. Each and every day of my life.

Then we began Saturday morning with Priscilla Shirer. I had never heard her speak before and all I can say is WOW. That’s it. WOW! She taught primarily from 2 Kings 13, but the verse she quoted out of 2 Chronicles 20:12 is what spoke to me the most. “…for we have no power to face this vast army [enemy] that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you”. I was reminded that my homeschooling needs to be a joint effort. I have been trying to do it in my own strength, which quite honestly was depleted months ago! I need to keep my focus on Him and each morning draw my strength from His unlimited power.

It was all wrapped up for me when she said, “God has great things for you, but He’s not going to put them directly into your hand. He will put them within your reach.” I feel that I’ve been called to homeschool my kids during this time of my life. This has the possibility to be a positive, enriching experience within the life of my family. However, it isn’t going to be given to me on a silver platter. I need to pray hard and work hard so it can be all God wants it to be.

And last, but certainly not least, was the afternoon with Beth Moore. I love her passion. The way she loves Jesus, her family and the women who come to hear her speak. It’s open and honest and raw. It’s refreshing and real. I prayed for her in the months after buying our tickets. I knew God would use her to speak to me.

Rewind to January of this year. I began a study called “Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only“. This is obviously a study about the life of Jesus, but the thing that struck a chord with me was said about Mary, Jesus’ mother. In the book of Luke it says, “she treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19 and 2:51).

When I read that passage during the study, once in relation to the shepherds coming to see Jesus and once after he was found sitting among the teachers in the temple courts, I related to Mary in a way I hadn’t before. At times, I too have taken myself out of the moment to “soak up a memory”. Maybe it was my first born baby splashing happily in a tub of soapy water or my little boy snuggled next to our dog at the foot of his bed on a cool night, not a cover in sight.

Sure my kids won’t grow up to be the King of Kings, contrary to their attitude sometimes, but these are special moments for me. Taking time to notice them in the midst of laundry, clogged toilets, sibling rivalry, grocery lists, and life in general needs to be purposeful.

I learned that earlier this year, but I had forgotten. Is it any wonder that Beth’s message Saturday was on our treasures? She told us “the Lord will give you things to treasure up and satan will do all he can to take them away or diminish them”. This is SO true! Is it easier for you to recall your offenses or your treasures?

It takes time to ponder. It takes time to sit at His feet and renew our strength. This is the cost of the cross. Do you have the time?

Our house is halfway through the rebuilding process. We are choosing new paint colors, hardwood flooring, carpet and cabinets. We get brand spankin’ new appliances. We’ve been able to make minor changes to our house that made it more “us”, if you know what I mean. And we may even have an opportunity to put in a pool!

Sounds great, right? So why aren’t I more excited? Or rather, why am I holding back my excitement, might be the better question.

Did you ever just feel that you didn’t deserve something? Ever since the bottom fell out of the economy and we had to default on millions of dollars worth of debt, I have wanted nothing more than to humble myself and reside in a shack in the woods. That’s what I felt like I deserved. And honestly, there were a lot of people that worked for us that would have liked to see that happen too.

In the past 2 years, we’ve tried to sell our house, with only one tiny offer that wouldn’t have covered half the mortgage. We almost lost our house one day last year when we got the foreclosure notice and date that it would be going up for sale on the courthouse steps. Then, this past April, it literally went up in smoke.

The fire has put our lives on hold. Jeremy had to quit the FLW Tour and I’ve done my best to manage a homeschooling household in the four upstairs bedrooms of my father in laws house.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am so thankful for a place to stay. But it’s hard living in someone else’s home. Using their cookware, sharing a refrigerator and a pantry, not being able to park in the garage on cold, rainy days, having to get completely dressed to go downstairs to get the shirt I want to wear out of the dryer. Sure, it’s minor. I get that. But after 7 months, it starts to get annoying.

And now we are in the finishing stages of rebuilding. I should be ecstatic! Our house is beautiful. Even better than the first time we built it. But I feel so unworthy.

I talked to God about this one morning as I walked before breakfast. “Ya know, God, it’s not that I don’t want to be excited about one of your blessings. But I’ve prayed and prayed about what to do since the fire. Take a short sale, or move back in? Nothing is happening down here on my end. It would be great if you could join me on my walk today and explain to me what you’d like us to do”.

Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And as I kept thinking, it occurred to me that this is not something completely foreign to me. I have struggled with unworthiness before. Like when Savannah was born. I remember a friend asking me if we were going to have any more babies. Savannah was only a few months old and I told him that I didn’t think so. She was perfect and I truly felt I didn’t deserve anything like her.

Obviously I took another chance two years later, but when the conversation came up between Jeremy and me about a third child, I absolutely told him I did not want to take another chance. I felt I was lucky to get the two I had and expecting a third would be incredibly arrogant of me.

Did I just use the word “lucky” to describe the blessing of my children???

See how screwed up I am? Where does mercy, grace, and faith fall into all this? No seriously. I’m asking. Where does mercy, grace and faith fall into all this???

If God has allowed us to continue living in our home, then I’d like to give a huge shout of praise and thanksgiving! But I just feel that I can’t, knowing that others have suffered hardships on our account. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over feeling like a dirtbag about this.

At this point, I am wondering if my issue is more with guilt than unworthiness. “Getting what I deserve” sounds more like retaliation. God is all about love and forgiveness. But how do I forgive myself? And more importantly, have I accepted His forgiveness?

There is no way for me to wrap up this post with a nice, neat bow. It’s only random thoughts. I really want to break down this wall and feel joy again. To accept forgiveness and know that I am worthy of happiness. I can’t change the past and honestly, there is only so much I can do with the future. I get to live in a new house soon. I don’t deserve it. But for some reason, He is allowing it.

“A few scholars have put forward the neat and simple proposition that the Old Testament uses mercy while the New Testament speaks of grace.

The truth is more elusive, like the words themselves. Think of it this way: Mercy is God witholding the punishment we rightfully deserve. Grace is God not only withholding that punishment but offering the most precious gifts instead.

Mercy witholds the knife from the heart of Isaac.
Grace provides a ram in the thicket.

Mercy runs to forgive the Prodigal Son.
Grace throws a party with every extravagance.

Mercy bandages the wounds of the man beaten by the robbers.
Grace covers the cost of his full recovery.

Mercy hears the cry of the thief on the cross.
Grace promises paradise that very day.

Mercy pays the penalty for our sin at the cross.
Grace substitutes the righteousness of Christ for our wickedness.

Mercy converts Paul on the road to Damascus.
Grace calls him to be an apostle.

Mercy saves John Newton from a life of rebellion and sin.
Grace makes him a pastor and author of a timeless hymn (“Amazing Grace”).

Mercy closes the door to hell.
Grace opens the door to heaven.

Mercy withholds what we have earned.
Grace provides blessings we have not earned.”

-David Jeremiah
“Captured by Grace”

Just being honest.

Last year I decided to “give back” and volunteered to help out with other kids whose parents were in small groups or serving in other areas on Wednesday nights. I was asked to be one of the small group leaders for the first grade class. It was a lot of fun and I liked getting to know the kids in Savannah’s class.

As August approached, I was contacted about my plans for fall. Did I want to continue helping out in Kidz Inc? Part of me did. A really big part. But another part of me was undecided. Something didn’t feel quite right and it was hard to put my finger on it.

Church is good for my kids, right? I should have them up there as much as possible, right? Good influences. Keep them out of trouble. That’s what “good” Christians do, right???

Or not.

Could our time on Wednesday nights be better spent? What if, instead of taking another few hours to LEARN about what Christ would do, we actually DID what He would do? Wouldn’t that have a bigger impact?

Do you know how many times I’ve told Jeremy’s grandmother or his Aunt Irene that “we’d love to see you guys more often, I just can’t seem to find the time…”? I would be embarrassed to tell you they both live in the same town as we do and we only see them on certain holidays. It’s pathetic!

With that in mind I made my decision. Initially I was worried about what people might think. I was also a little concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fill up my Wednesdays with service opportunities. But you know, whenever you are doing something with a heart for the Lord, you can be sure He will not waste your time.

We have spent time visiting cherished relatives like Grandma ‘dessa and Aunt Irene, and about a month ago, a friend of mine found out she had breast cancer. We have committed to taking her a meal every other Wednesday until the end of the year, and if she’ll allow me, I will continue to feed her family until she finishes chemo early next year.

I write all this not to brag about myself, but to encourage others to think outside the box. How many years have you spent hearing sermons and attending bible studies vs how much time do you spend being the hands and feet of Jesus? Don’t be just a hearer of the Word. Be a “doer”. A lot of hurting people out there have heard about Him. They need to SEE Him. You can show them.

April 16th: House fire that destroys everything and will require a total renovation.

We move into my father-in-laws house and a week later we decide to bring our friend’s boat over here since he keeps it at our house and our house is now vacant and someone could possibly steal it. The next day, a tree fell on it. He did not have insurance.

The following Monday my father-in-law was getting ready to go out of town. He was headed to the bank when he was T-boned by a car being chased by another car who was shooting at it after a drug deal went bad. He was taken to the ER and thankfully released the same night.

The same night we found out that the guy that works for my father-in-law got a call from his daughter who was out with her boyfriend when a TREE FELL ON THEIR CAR!!!

The week after that our niece was in a car with her friend when the friend lost control on some gravel and the vehicle rolled down a hill and landed in a creek. She fractured her face.

Then yesterday, Savannah and I were having a girls day, when I got a text from the golf course where Jeremy and Emery were playing. It said, “Ur husband had an accident and is goin to the hospital. Call this number…”

Honestly, I thought it was a joke. But it wasn’t. And that was the second Monday night in 3 weeks I had spent in the emergency room, missing “Castle“. Dang it!!!