Weekly memory verse: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain”.
Several years ago our Pastor gave a sermon that included the verse above. I remember it very distinctly because I was a new mom and it was the first time I had ever really thought about dying since my daughter had been born. And although my mind got a hold of what he was saying, there was something deep inside me (a motherly instinct no doubt) that refused to believe that death would be better than life.
In Philippians 1:12-30, Paul is talking about advancing the Gospel. In verse 21, he is saying that there is only one reason for living: to tell others about Christ and become more like Him. This can be a joy, but overwhelmingly, living in the world with its many trials, troubles, and hardships is a source of frustration, pain, and even fear. To Paul, leaving this world behind for an eternity with Jesus would be immensely better than living.
But Paul was not a mother.
This verse comes to my mind every so often, for reasons I’m am not aware of, but each and every time, I cannot give myself over to the thought that the beauty of heaven would even compare to the adorable faces of my precious children. And that thought right there leaves me torn.
On the one hand, I feel as though I am doubting the Word of God which talks about what an amazing place Heaven will be. Not only beautiful, but no more sorrow and suffering. And on the other hand, what would it say about me, as a Mom, if I desired to leave my children behind to face their difficulties on their own? How could I possibly want to leave them?
And so that thought leads to whether or not I feel this way because they are young. At 4 and 1, I am still meeting many of their basic needs. Maybe I will feel different when they are grown. But how grown are you, when you no longer need your mother? I am 35 and my mom helps me tremendously with my children. I don’t know what I would do without her. And even if my kids moved far away, I can’t imagine a time I would rather be anywhere other than listening to them tell me their hopes and dreams, their funny stories, or praying for them as they press through a difficult time.
This verse popped into my head once again over the weekend. Saturday night Jeremy and I went to see his grandmother in the hospital. At one point, he held her hand and very sincerely asked her, “Grandmaw, what did it feel like the night you came in here? The night you were dying. What were you thinking about?” She got kind of quiet, and then in a soft, shakey voice she said, “Well, I was scared. And all 3 of my boys were standing around me. And I said to all of them, ‘I can’t imagine never seeing your faces again’.”
You can imagine I started bawling. Of course, I waited until I got in the truck to drive home. But her comment really sealed it for me. At 84 years old, she had the same thoughts I did. I guess as a mom you never feel ready to leave your kids behind. Even for the promises of heaven.
6 Comments