I’ve been trying to decide how to write this post for some time now. I mainly use this blog as an outlet and a way to find humor in what can become a hum-drum exsitence as a stay at home mom. But sometimes the outside world pulls my attention away from my children. Sometimes my thoughts remain focused on our homebuilding business and my creative juices are stifled beneath mounds of unpaid bills. Some days I fall into bed not knowing where the day has gone. Others I find it a challenge even to get up.
I imagine the loss of our business being like getting the news of a terminal illness. At first there was shock and disbelief. There was hope that we could beat the odds. We established a plan that we believed would increase our chances of survival. We prayed as hard as we fought.
There came a point when we realized it was all in vain. We sank all we had in a dream and after 6 short years, that dream was gone. The emotions that followed were textbook. Sadness, anger, depression, guilt, and eventually acceptance.
And though we have accepted our loss, the day to day reminders in the process can really take their toll. Bill collectors call all day, every day, even on Sunday. Late notices and letters of termination fill our mailbox. I had to create a whole new filing system just to keep up with all the paperwork.
We’ve even had threats against our family.
As if that wasn’t enough, last month we sold a house. We couldn’t wait to get current with some of our bills and subcontractors. But before we could write the first check, our bank emptied our account. Took it all for themselves without so much as a phone call. I don’t know what you’d call it, but I call it stealing.
On the flip-side, there is a local bank that had been working with us. We appreciated every effort they made to defer our loan interest and support us as we tried to sell the homes that were sitting on their property. Sadly, on Friday, that bank was taken over by the FDIC. And as you can imagine, the feds are not showing any mercy.
A few weeks ago I found myself in the midst of a fierce battle within my mind. Thoughts of despair ran rampant. I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning, drowning my sorrows in late night television. I couldn’t get up in the morning. The tasks of my day seemed insurmountable and I wondered if it was a good idea to have my kids at home with me.
One particular Wednesday night Savannah and Emery had Kids’ Choir. There was nothing within me that wanted to get dressed and take them to church. But due to their recent illnesses, they had missed several classes already and I decided it was in their best interest to go.
I didn’t know what I was going to do during their lesson, so I simply grabbed my Bible, a notepad, and my prayer journal. After I dropped them off, I searched out an empty room and rested. I began reading my journal and time after time, I read how God had answered my prayers.
As I prayed that night I felt Him asking me for full obedience and trust. I needed to stop living my days on how I felt, since many times our feelings can be deceiving. I wrote again in my journal. This time promising to focus on 5 things every day, and letting God handle the rest. I will respect my husband, train my children, go to bed on time, get up on time, and tackle one business issue every day.
The very next morning I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed at 6 am. I opened a devotional I started a while back and smiled. God was letting me know we were in this together. The verse was Isaiah 40:31:
“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
And that’s exactly what has happened. My days are once again productive. There is joy and laughter in this house. I am well rested and excited to spend my mornings with Him. My situation has not changed, but my perspective has. And thank God for that!
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